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 Blogspot. Bloooogger. Blog. Greetings. This shit needs a dark mode, it is BRIGHT and it's 5:32 pm aka close to sundown. 

I don't have many life updates, any meaningful ones, anyway. I applied to 3 jobs on Tuesday, two of them being at bakeries (one dishwasher the other a baker's assistant) and one being at a Whole Foods. If I can't land any of those, I'm gonna start questioning whether I deserve a job. I feel really silly for being 19, nearing 20 in 8 months and never having worked an actual job once, while people started working when they were 14, 15, or 16. I try not thinking about it, how fucking long it took for me to even begin to get my shit together (which is barely, I would apply to one job every few months and when I'd get rejected I would forget about it until another few months later then apply to another again, just to get rejected once more). I can't change the past and can only change my feelings about it, obviously, but it still hurts, that I'm lazy in regards to trying to be at least a little 'useful' to society. I'm actively working on improving that and trying to save the other important stuff for after so I don't get overloaded. 

What I wanted to focus in this post wasn't life updates or other bullshit things, however. It's still going to be rambling and nonsensical but it's going to be a bit deep. At least, deeper than it is in the average post.

As of recently, I've been trying to unlearn loving people who are unavailable and don't have the capacity to love me back. Unfortunately, that seems to be the type of person I fall in love with, regarding the past 4 people I've crushed on in the past 3 years. Two of them I didn't really fall 'in love' with but they're pretty up there, one of them I've been liking off and on since like November of last year. Yeah, sucks a lot. I'm sure they know too, it was especially obvious in the later part of 2023 and early 2024. I keep it pretty down low now-a-days, though, I'm pretty good at doing that from experience. Keeping it "down low" as in shutting my mouth completely would've done me lots of good this time last year, but nope. I, in fact, did not keep it down low, in fact, it was so not down low it was up high. So up high it crashed into the tip top of the sky-box, shattering and falling like it's the Truman Show. 

But despite the relationship and love trauma my brain and body suffered, I persevere. I want to find that one true person that just. Gets me. So far, no one I've met or crushed on has ever done that, except for one, who is very far gone out of my life, I hope they're doing well. And when I say "gets me", I mean gets me. They're passionate about at least some of the things I am, genuinely care about my wellbeing and mind with no ulterior motives (cough cough), and I can be with them in person without being anxious. My standards are moderate, I feel, to a normal degree.

To others, they might be high though. This could be because my perception and idea of a genuine wholesome love stems from the copious amounts of fanfiction I've been reading all my life. No joke, I think only being able to read such good love from simple works of fans can really wreck you and permanently alter your ability to connect with potential lovers. Obviously, I'm not exempt from this, in fact I've only seen such a warm concept of love from stuff like Homestuck fanfiction, for a good example. The real life tales of love that I've witnessed first hand have all ended in anguish and distrust, breaking off in one way or another, subtly or definitively. Whether looking from family members, friends, celebrities, strangers, or even my own love experiences, it all seems to just crash down in flames and either return to normalcy or go completely down the drain that the broken person can't be fished back up at all. All of my experiences thus far have ended in unique but equally despairing ways, starting as young as 11 years old, and as recent as, well, the past month. It can end with either a direct response of "no" or finding out your interest has a partner or crush on someone else. After so many rejections, it starts to burrow into your soul and make you truly believe that maybe you're too far gone, there's nothing left worth salvaging so you just cry and cry. I'm only 19, sure, but many people I know have had partners before they were 16. When I was 16, I met an awkward man who I fell in love with, for some reason, believing he was my everything. Just 3 months after I met him, I had to be pressured to tell him how I felt and he came back after a weekend telling me no. I'm not sure why I thought he was my 'one and only', he was greasy and unsure of what was even happening around him. No hate to him of course, he's actually a really cool person and we're friends now. 

Anyways.. something I noticed, I seem to unconsciously go towards being the "questioning queer savior", as in I meet someone, they live with a LGBTQphobic family, the whatever else have you, and don't seem to know who they are romantically wise because of what they grew up with. As I'm writing this I also realize this is actually just referring to one (maybe) single real life (maybe) situation. Oops! But this is also a trope I like to read in specifically Johndave fanfiction, the role can be on either of them and I would enjoy it thoroughly, mostly because the situation is heartbreaking in real time as well but it's better when reading it. I also just love Johndave, obviously. If the trope plays out in reality, then I would be considered the "savior" and my crush the "questioning queer". I help my crush realize they're actually queer and maybe eventually they realize they like me back. This has never happened, to my knowledge, but the fact this is so prevalent on my mind speaks volumes. It clearly derives from the copious amounts of fanfiction I've been subjected to all my life, and it's a little sad, because it would most likely never actually happen except very rarely. Let it be said, however, I genuinely do enjoy helping someone realize they're LGBTQ with no ulterior motives. They live with a lighter soul and no weight of hatred and fear of discrimination holding them back, just as I will one day. It makes me happy to see instead of them living out their lives with a dark cloud on them, forever questioning themselves and going through the revolving doors of multi-gendered love interests. 

Sorry for going way off the rails, this will be my longest post yet (in terms of text), I think. I actually had more to talk about, but I think I'll save that for a later day, or perhaps the monthly post. I'll decide later on. Thank you for reading.