September Monthly 2024

 Wow, can't believe we're at the end of the month already. It feels like just yesterday I was yearning for the orange and brown leaves and the crippling cold to ease in. Oh well.

Blogspot, let me be real with you. Realistically speaking, this month has been just as milquetoast and empty as the other filler months of this year. But. For some reason, this month, I could physically and mentally feel myself aging. Whenever I think about the fact the next age I'm turning is 20 (8 months left to go) it's a very uneasy but bittersweet feeling that sets in. It also doesn't help that my back and legs hurt a lot more often, the damn fabled thing I've heard from other 19-20 year olds.

But anyways, regarding the only other meaningful thing that counts for anyone else; Whole Foods was the only employer that has gotten back to me, we've been rearranging phone calls and interviews and are still in that stage today. It looks like they're willing to hire me as a cashier, which I'm honestly a little scared about because numbers and money are something I have a hard time with because of my tiny little brain. I was hoping to just be a person who stocks and recalls stuff. But it's whatever. If I can get a job period, I'll be proud of myself, because it is all honestly scary for me.

A seemingly constant theme for me at the beginning of the month was the fact I kept getting lied to. By a few different people, some strangers, some friends. It's strange, thinking you know someone's lying but they never tell you if they are, you just have to figure it out for yourself. When someone wants to spare your feelings even though you only want to hear honesty from that person because you care about them so much. It also sucks to care about someone a lot and they do not reciprocate at all. But, if you've been reading any of my posts, you'll know that is an experience I've dealt with again and again, so it doesn't bother me all that much. It's like a real life tragedy but unfolding in my own life, and I'm both the main actor and single person in the audience. 

I finally got new glasses. They arrived on Sept. 8th, two days after the "general stuff" post, and at first they were really weird. They made my right eye vision slanted a little (my right eye is on a different axis than the left) and it took a few days to get used to it, I am thankfully fully used to it now and just glad I can see clear and far again after like 2 years.

For some reason, my body completely reset itself and I have been waking up at 9, 10, or 11 am and going to bed at 11 pm, 12 or 1 am, which is very unlike me but it's just how my life is now. Waking up and going to bed early definitely has its own perks and disadvantages compared to my older schedule of waking up at 2-4 pm and going to bed at 4-6 am, which felt a lot worse physically. But at the same time, waking up early means I don't interact with another human via voice or in-person for at least 6-7 hours. Despite being an introvert, not talking with my friends or at least my mom (IK, ew, sucky, but at least that's another person to talk to) kinda drives me crazy especially when I have things to talk about. Although I can definitely brush that off if it means I feel better mentally and physically. 

Continuing on, I introduce:

Monthly favorite song:

Poison Pop - Qbomb

Honorable mentions:

Silicon Soul - j-gems, Bleuctipie - A Verbal Equinox, Eminem Adopts A Dragon - Gynx

This song takes the point of view of someone who captivates or captivated their own fanbase and following. The singer hates one single person, who seems to have become controversial with rumors circulating around them and the singer, that they do not want any part of. It's aggressive, catchy, and passionate. I love it, and it makes me feel less passive and depressed, and more aggressive and emboldened towards the controversial asshole in my life. ALSO, I just realized, after watching the music video and looking over the lyrics, this song is subtly themed around baseball. How funny. Overall, this song is just like viewing my rawest and bloodthirstiest emotions towards that person but through a cleaner and pinker lens, almost all the lyrics match up perfectly with my experiences. It is genuinely awesome. In general, Qbomb is a good listen, definitely recommend this album too.

This month's drawings:

 (9/1)

Coincidentally, this vent/angst piece is about the person I was just talking about in the song section, but of course you can also view this from a Johndave perspective (like everything else, haha) as Dave referring to John.

(9/3)

(9/8)

(9/15)

(9/22)

(9/24)

(9/24)

Huge lack of art this month, I apologize. I've been working on a few different WIPs behind the scenes but a lot of days I either forget to work on them or have no motivation. I really do want to draw more, genuinely, but it's just getting harder for some reason.

Thanks for coming for the now second monthly, Blogspot! I appreciate you! In next month's monthly, you might see a lot more gorey and Halloween-y drawings (hopefully!), stay tuned for that. As always, thank you for reading. See you in the next post.

Untitled.

 Blogspot. Bloooogger. Blog. Greetings. This shit needs a dark mode, it is BRIGHT and it's 5:32 pm aka close to sundown. 

I don't have many life updates, any meaningful ones, anyway. I applied to 3 jobs on Tuesday, two of them being at bakeries (one dishwasher the other a baker's assistant) and one being at a Whole Foods. If I can't land any of those, I'm gonna start questioning whether I deserve a job. I feel really silly for being 19, nearing 20 in 8 months and never having worked an actual job once, while people started working when they were 14, 15, or 16. I try not thinking about it, how fucking long it took for me to even begin to get my shit together (which is barely, I would apply to one job every few months and when I'd get rejected I would forget about it until another few months later then apply to another again, just to get rejected once more). I can't change the past and can only change my feelings about it, obviously, but it still hurts, that I'm lazy in regards to trying to be at least a little 'useful' to society. I'm actively working on improving that and trying to save the other important stuff for after so I don't get overloaded. 

What I wanted to focus in this post wasn't life updates or other bullshit things, however. It's still going to be rambling and nonsensical but it's going to be a bit deep. At least, deeper than it is in the average post.

As of recently, I've been trying to unlearn loving people who are unavailable and don't have the capacity to love me back. Unfortunately, that seems to be the type of person I fall in love with, regarding the past 4 people I've crushed on in the past 3 years. Two of them I didn't really fall 'in love' with but they're pretty up there, one of them I've been liking off and on since like November of last year. Yeah, sucks a lot. I'm sure they know too, it was especially obvious in the later part of 2023 and early 2024. I keep it pretty down low now-a-days, though, I'm pretty good at doing that from experience. Keeping it "down low" as in shutting my mouth completely would've done me lots of good this time last year, but nope. I, in fact, did not keep it down low, in fact, it was so not down low it was up high. So up high it crashed into the tip top of the sky-box, shattering and falling like it's the Truman Show. 

But despite the relationship and love trauma my brain and body suffered, I persevere. I want to find that one true person that just. Gets me. So far, no one I've met or crushed on has ever done that, except for one, who is very far gone out of my life, I hope they're doing well. And when I say "gets me", I mean gets me. They're passionate about at least some of the things I am, genuinely care about my wellbeing and mind with no ulterior motives (cough cough), and I can be with them in person without being anxious. My standards are moderate, I feel, to a normal degree.

To others, they might be high though. This could be because my perception and idea of a genuine wholesome love stems from the copious amounts of fanfiction I've been reading all my life. No joke, I think only being able to read such good love from simple works of fans can really wreck you and permanently alter your ability to connect with potential lovers. Obviously, I'm not exempt from this, in fact I've only seen such a warm concept of love from stuff like Homestuck fanfiction, for a good example. The real life tales of love that I've witnessed first hand have all ended in anguish and distrust, breaking off in one way or another, subtly or definitively. Whether looking from family members, friends, celebrities, strangers, or even my own love experiences, it all seems to just crash down in flames and either return to normalcy or go completely down the drain that the broken person can't be fished back up at all. All of my experiences thus far have ended in unique but equally despairing ways, starting as young as 11 years old, and as recent as, well, the past month. It can end with either a direct response of "no" or finding out your interest has a partner or crush on someone else. After so many rejections, it starts to burrow into your soul and make you truly believe that maybe you're too far gone, there's nothing left worth salvaging so you just cry and cry. I'm only 19, sure, but many people I know have had partners before they were 16. When I was 16, I met an awkward man who I fell in love with, for some reason, believing he was my everything. Just 3 months after I met him, I had to be pressured to tell him how I felt and he came back after a weekend telling me no. I'm not sure why I thought he was my 'one and only', he was greasy and unsure of what was even happening around him. No hate to him of course, he's actually a really cool person and we're friends now. 

Anyways.. something I noticed, I seem to unconsciously go towards being the "questioning queer savior", as in I meet someone, they live with a LGBTQphobic family, the whatever else have you, and don't seem to know who they are romantically wise because of what they grew up with. As I'm writing this I also realize this is actually just referring to one (maybe) single real life (maybe) situation. Oops! But this is also a trope I like to read in specifically Johndave fanfiction, the role can be on either of them and I would enjoy it thoroughly, mostly because the situation is heartbreaking in real time as well but it's better when reading it. I also just love Johndave, obviously. If the trope plays out in reality, then I would be considered the "savior" and my crush the "questioning queer". I help my crush realize they're actually queer and maybe eventually they realize they like me back. This has never happened, to my knowledge, but the fact this is so prevalent on my mind speaks volumes. It clearly derives from the copious amounts of fanfiction I've been subjected to all my life, and it's a little sad, because it would most likely never actually happen except very rarely. Let it be said, however, I genuinely do enjoy helping someone realize they're LGBTQ with no ulterior motives. They live with a lighter soul and no weight of hatred and fear of discrimination holding them back, just as I will one day. It makes me happy to see instead of them living out their lives with a dark cloud on them, forever questioning themselves and going through the revolving doors of multi-gendered love interests. 

Sorry for going way off the rails, this will be my longest post yet (in terms of text), I think. I actually had more to talk about, but I think I'll save that for a later day, or perhaps the monthly post. I'll decide later on. Thank you for reading.

General Stuff? Kinda?

 Hey blogspot!! I haven't forgotten about you I swear!

I just don't have a lot to talk about and I'm still just as tired and dissociative as I was for the last 3 posts but! Here I am anyways.

Here's a nice Homestuck song to listen to while reading that I've been kinda obsessed with lately:

(The Beginning of Something Really Excellent - Homestuck Vol 5-6.)

Homestuck in general has taken a center place in my life for a while now, more so in this past and current year than 2018-2019 when I was first in the fandom. I feel a strong connection to this media (obviously as you can tell by my entire blog) and its older eras and fanbase. Actually, I try to capture this era in my some of my drawings and while clearly I don't land on the mark too perfectly for a lot of them, I'm actively working on trying to perfect that sort of style because I think it would be really neat! Older Homestuck drawings are a little silly but some of them are just, mwah, early 2010's perfection. Really, I kinda feel like I was meant to be a lil older so I could truly be around for the 2012-2014 era of it, aka the freaking best/cringiest era of the fandom. I feel as if I was meant to born earlier just generally speaking. Either way, I still feel connected to it even as a measly 19 year old. I think Homestuck will be stuck with me for just a while longer, if it so feels like it.

I really do finally feel older than 16. I am mentally standing more so around 25 or 30, but at least I don't feel 16 anymore. I finally stepped away from the people who burden me, and I feel a little more free than before. I've been having a lot of realizations in general lately that there were/are a lot of people in my life who fucked up and either need to promptly leave or fix their mistakes and better themselves. Of course, I'm not exempt from this but I'm more surrounded by other people's wrongdoings than my own at this point in my life, having faced enough trauma for five normal 19 year olds probably. So many things are still locked away in the vault that is called my deep subconscious that I have yet to unearth because I was so scared and had to put it away to never relive them again. Unfortunately, one day I will be forced to so I can just relearn my childhood again.

So anyways! Today is the regular Friday update for Creatures of Sonaria (the Roblox game I love as of recent) where they're adding IDRABARK! Aka the best creature ever. Look at this thing:

It's a tier 2 (small) creature and I'm just so excited, I'm gonna make Davesprite & Neytiri skins with it! I just love it in general!!! The update comes out in a couple of hours heeheehe...

I've been taking walks throughout the week while I wait for a response from DQ about my application, and after yesterdays walk my legs are pretty sore, so once the update comes out I'll be playing pretty much all day while I rest. Which is awesome because I'll be joyous as fuck when playing as that feral tree man.

I finally ordered a new pair of glasses after almost 2 years since the last prescription (RIP my wallet). They should be coming soon and I'm also really excited for those, because I'll be able to see clearly especially while drawing!! They're a basic pair of black glasses but I haven't ever worn a black pair before, which will be interesting.

I've also been feeling a lot better mentally speaking recently, I'm still mentally ill obviously but it also coincides with feeling better physically, as I've been trying to eat better alongside getting a bit more physical everyday. I eat berries and fluffy bread for breakfast and try to have a little less sugar in my coffee. It's the little things that matter.

On the downside, I've been feeling a lot less motivated for drawing and just have less ideas in general, more so than usual. I hope I'm not losing my creativity totally, I may have lost a bit of it already but I would rather keep the last bits of it for the rest of my life, at least. I like drawing and expressing my ideas through a medium that I understand very well, as well as drawing things that make me happy and/or vent my thoughts.

Honestly, this is probably the best point in the year so far, considering it was all either extremely shit or just normal/neutral chronologically speaking. I can't wait for fall, and that's gonna make it all better, I fucking love fall. And when it gets chillier, I'll be able to go on those walks more often, if my schedule allows it if I do start working at DQ. Of course, everything still has the chance to get better, since it isn't great still and probably won't be for quite a long time.

Anyways! Thank you for reading my weird jumbly post this afternoon, or whenever you're reading it. Tune in at some other point in the month for the next post, for whatever it might be about. At the closer end of September, I might theme the blog to look more halloween-y if I so desire but we'll see!