Hello

 Hi blogspot.

Sorry for a lack of posts, honestly, when starting this blog I thought I would have so much to talk about. I really... don't, truthfully. I think too much and even then I can't put them into coherent sentences. Of course, I love sharing my art and all that, but I don't want it to be just art. This isn't an art blog, it's my personal blog. At least that's what I started it to be. 

And yet, I fear. I fear of saying the wrong things, I don't know who reads this blog and who doesn't. I intentionally don't mention it to anybody, it's on my Discord profile just for anybody to find and read if they want, they don't have to and sometimes I don't want them to. You'd think I should just be able to say what I want whenever I want, but I don't. I don't want the people I care about to know that I've broken down over them, for many different various reasons. Same with the people I don't care about. I don't want them reading this shit at all!

I want to say what I want. But I don't want my friendships to break. I don't want potential love to fail again, and again, and again. I could simply just not mention that sort of stuff, but I need to vent somehow. I've kept everything in and as you'd expect it hurts the longer I keep it in my head. So much stuff hurts. So much stuff affects me day-to-day, and I don't ever talk about it. I chat with my friends as if everything's fine and when I do subtly mention something going wrong in my life, it's met with astonishment or just silence. 

Honestly, I might change my blog name and pray it doesn't try to redirect back. Because I just want to talk about it all. But I also want people to be able to read my blog, including my friends, but it's so two-sided and conflicting, I always feel all the fucking time as if the stuff I say should've never been said. So I guess it doesn't really matter.

I also know that if I do try to verbalize my problems and issues I will start just, crying right there on the spot. Or be close to crying I guess, become hysterical and crazy-sounding as I usually am. I want to be as truthful as possible but I already feel over-communicative. It's a troubling and confusing life to lead.

Like.. I love this person, they would never love me back. I don't know if I have the right friends, there's definitely better people out there. I hate my mom, I just want to move out and go back to the other city where my friends are. I want to be a better person. I want to work out, I want to eat better. I want to get rid of my speech impediment. But I'm failing it all. I only fail. 

...I don't know. Maybe I will change the blog name - if I can - to dissuade my friends and other people from reading my posts. I just want some place to actually talk, not some sort of one-sided blabber session. So, we will see.

We will see indeed.