I ALMOST forgot it was the last day of the month, again. I really have been too caught up in my own thoughts.
Welcome to November's monthly post, everyone. This has been probably one of the most turbulent months of the year by far.
It shouldn't be too long, so I'll get straight to the best parts. I am fully booked for this spring semester and prepared with financial aid and all that good crap. I am a little nervous it might be a big workload but if I'm not working (which I want to be by that point, god strike me down if I'm not) it should be fine either way. Other than that, however, I haven't made huge strides in all the things I need/should be doing, such as work, dental, physical, mental, driver's license, etc.. Dental is sort of a lost cause at this point though, so I'm not wholly worried about that - but I really need to start pushing myself to actually attend interviews, meetings, stuff like that to start working so I can get money in my account.
I have been focused on a hyperfixation this entire month - Infinity Train. I mentioned it in the last (monthly) post, but I was definitely not as fixated as I am now. I am more so fixated on Book 4's main cast of passengers, Ryan Akagi and Min-Gi Park. In fact, I wager a lot of fans mostly only like Infinity Train for those two, as superfluous as that sounds. They take up a lot of my waking thoughts, alongside my second hyperfixation Transformice. I'm not explaining it, just look it up if you really care that much. But mixing these two make it really interesting for some aspects, but I like expanding their relationship as well. Call it my 80's JohnDave, I suppose.
Oh, and I got a new computer, I guess. :P
Speaking of silly Canadians, but in a much less light-hearted tone - the election. Let's be real, it's been weighing heavily on our minds ever since the results. I mention Canada because my family wants to move there as imminently as possible to avoid our very rights being stripped away within the next upcoming years. I feel really bittersweet and conflicted about this proposition, because Canada sounds awesome and it aligns with my current hyperfixation, as we just discussed. But I will leave all my friends behind, perhaps permanently. I don't want to face the consequences 80+ million Americans chose for themselves just because I happen to live here. I want to live. I want to be myself without hiding, get the healthcare I deserve, and live autonomously without an old, cishet white man speaking for me or others.
Enough about talking about the shitty stuff, though. If we do move there, it will be exciting and a new but frightening opportunity for me and my academic career.
Monthly favorite song:
Brittle Bones Nicky 3 - Rare Americans
Honorable mentions:
Puppets - Mike's Dead, Witchcraft - Pendulum
Good song.
Unfortunately, I've completely run out of creative motivation nor inspiration, so my drawings are VERY few and far between. Sorry about that.
(11/1)
Bunnytier x Crowtier JohnDave. Perfection.
(11/3)
Good ol' Trainstuck. Hopefully I'll have motivation to finish the story some other time.
(11/11)
My first Transformice concept fur.
(11/12)
(11/14)
Second concept.
(11/19)
Transformice x Infinity Train (minus my previous top left mouse). This actually made the fanart spotlight for Transformice itself, yay! I am super proud of this one, plus Mouse- Ryan and Min look sooo cute.
(11/20)
Third concept.
(11/28)
Really really really like this one. Good Rymin content right here. But it's the last drawing of the month. So sparse, probably for the whole year, but I feel it's fair since I spent almost all of last month doing a drawing every single day. I deserve a long break.
WHOOPS, this is accidentally late by like 2 hours but whatever. Sorry about that. It completely slipped my mind that the monthly post was, well on the last day of the month.
This will definitely be a more tired monthly post because it's 1:21 AM as I write this. But we keep moving anyway.
This month (last week I think actually) I got the ball rolling a bit for going to community college in January. I made an appointment with my advisor I'll be going to via phone in 7 days. Hopefully I can actually manage to get classes and not just fail horribly with my plans like I usually do.
I participated in most of Goretober (the xxanemia version specifically) this month, however I gave up after the 21st due to burnout, surprise surprise. It was also a little taxing on my mental health to draw gore every other day (I opted to draw non-gore things for some prompts as you'll see later on in this post).
I concocted a LOT of AUs this month, but most notably my Infinity Train x Homestuck crossover, which I've been planning out and will begin to write the first chapter of soon. I'm excited.
Honestly guys, at this point in time I'm so depressed about not having a job or going to school like everybody else I know that I just straight up don't care anymore. It's just like, yeah, meh, whatever. I may be bumbling around but at least I do something fulfilling with my abundance of free time. But a downside is the days blur together, when I wake up and go to sleep doesn't matter, and I don't really talk to anybody since they're usually busy with work and/or school. Besides my mom, who is practically just as unemployed as I am at this point.
I've been especially obsessed and yearning over somebody (the same somebody I've mentioned in the last 2 monthly posts I think) this month as well, but it's so dumb because I constantly remind myself they don't like me back or at least don't think of me nearly as often as I think of them, so there would be 0 point to asking them out. Unfortunately, they are pretty much all I think about, besides JohnDave and moving out. I've been juggling the idea of asking them out but I just know I would only be added to their long roster of people they've rejected. So, that is fate. To be rejected. Again. But it's okay.
I began and finished watching Infinity Train, twice, this month. Seriously, SUCH A GOOD SHOW. I recommend it for anyone who hasn't (or even has, lol) watched it. It does cut off early on though due to being cancelled but it's still a good watch, you can kinda imagine what happens after, like an open interpretation. Here's a very legal link to it if you wanna watch it (opens up a Google drive full of the episodes, nothing malicious). It has such a unique and thrilling story and premise that has inspired me to make my own crossover -- that I'm sure has already been done -- Trainstuck. Basically, the beta kids of Homestuck get on the train and bond with each other. It will be a lot more interesting to read compared to how poorly I hyped it up, trust.
Also random but I got a very brief eye infection for like a week in the beginning of the month? That made it a little difficult to draw, as it was inflamed and itchy and generally hard to see out of. It's over now, nothing bad happened after, but it still confuses me how it appeared in the first place.
Now, for your favorite (probably) section:
Monthly favorite song:
CODE MISTAKE - Corpse, Bring Me The Horizon
Honorable mentions:
Drown - Get Scared, Callback Ping - AxisRogue, The Question is What Is The Question? - Scooter
This song sticks hard with me, especially the second verse and the bridge:
They say they wanna help, but they always fucking leave
Leave me by myself, leave me, DND
Leave me in the dark, leave me with these things
Tell me that you love me, I know all your talk is cheap
Baby, I'm a code mistake, I was never meant to be
It hits so close to home for me because in a lot of situations, literal and figurative, I've been left by myself or with more unfavorable things/feelings. For example, I am usually the last person to leave in calls with my friends because I stay up so late. I've also been let down on multiple occasions with multiple problems and issues I face, with little to no help received so I fall flat on my face hurting even more than I did previously. With the 4th line "Tell me that you love me I know all your talk is cheap", lately with the 'somebody' I've been pining for has been turbulent because they are a little flirty even when they don't mean to be, but it more often than not leads me on. They are very sweet, but this comes at the cost of me knowing that it isn't necessarily a telltale sign of my feelings being reciprocated. And finally, the last line "Baby I'm a code mistake I was never meant to be", like a lot of people, I was not meant to exist and an unplanned pregnancy. As well as dealing with multiple untreated and undiagnosed mental illnesses with affect me in various and confusing ways, thus 'code mistake'.
WARNING FOR THE FOLLOWING IMAGERY:
My next art pieces shown will contain:
Blood, visible organs, cannibalism, spilling guts, slight eye trauma, dead bodies, 1 singular semi-realistic gun, 1 singular cigarette, self-harm, general creepy imagery, suicidal themes, and trypophobia.
DO NOT CONTINUE IF YOU ARE NOT COMFORTABLE VIEWING THESE.
This month's drawings:
(10/1)
Day 1 - Cannibalism
Fun little AU thing, dogtier John! Rest in peace, Dave. For a lot of these drawings, I made Dave the punching bag for some reason, haha.
(10/2)
I found out that sonas of the beta/alpha kids exist, and thus made a Davesona (a fox/crow hybrid guy), and my crush into just an alternate John, I guess. I love my Davesona a lot.
Day 2 - Sharp Objects
Whoops! Dave lost the Strife against his Bro. Try again next time.
(10/3)
Day 3 - Asphyxiation
(10/4)
(Goretober for today won't be shown, because I don't like it.)
(10/5)
Day 5 - Amputation
(10/6)
Day 6 - Bugs
Decided to do something cute and less horrible to look at, thus cute JohnDave. In this AU, they go to school together!
(10/7)
Day 7 - Accident
TT: Jake? Are you there?
(10/8)
Day 8 - Beaten/Bruised
(10/9)
Day 9 - Torture
Interesting backstory for this one, I knew that most people would just draw someone tied up and being stabbed to death or something, so I went on Wikipedia and found a whole slew of different torture methods. I thought a 'mock execution' would fit well with a Grimdark John and Dave gunplay situation. In this scenario, John is holding an intentionally unloaded gun to scare Dave into thinking he's going to die. Where he got the gun from, I don't know. Scary.
(10/10)
Day 10 - Masochist
(Goretober for today won't be shown, because I don't like it.)
(10/11)
Another cool Davesona piece. I had those Hussnasty-style panels in mind when I drew this one. It was a lot of fun too!
Day 11 - Slasher
Some good ol' DirkJake to take a break from the usual JohnDave I draw.
(10/12)
Day 12 - Burns
A different take I thought of for this one. An AU in which John is miserable and smokes cigs, burning one on his hand to feel something. Or to quote myself, "john hasn't gotten enough suffering this month yet :)"
(10/13)
Day 13 - Sliced
More Grimdark John!!
(10/14)
I was dealing with some rough suicidal ideation at the time, and thought it would be more productive to make a drawing out of it than dwell on it and spiral out of control. Please don't call the psych ward on me.
Day 14 - Eyes
I was getting burnt out at this point.
(10/15)
Day 15 - Self Inflicted
Ah yes, the classic Dirkapitation.
(10/16)
let's stay here where we never grow up
Day 16 - Decomposition
I was very tired and sluggish today.
(10/17)
(Goretober for today won't be shown, because I don't like it. It's also really stupid.)
(10/18)
Day 18 - Candy Gore
Probably one of my favorite drawings of the month.
(10/19)
Day 19 - Bones
Another very innocent Goretober, as I was very burnt out by this point and tired of drawing gore. I think Dave hyperfixating over crows and John finding it hot is funny.
(10/20)
Day 20 - Impaled
(10/21)
Day 21 - Holes
This is the last drawing before I give up on Goretober. The prompts after this were not interesting anyways.
(10/24)
This is a VERY SPECIFIC drawing of my Davesona and my crush (alternate John) at a specific location at night. This has not happened in real life, but it could. It's also pretty to look at in general.
(10/26)
Trainstuck! Infinite Home!!
(10/29)
More Trainstuck.
(10/31)
I tried and successfully replicated a 2012-type style with this one. So cute!
I was originally going to include text with this one that directly referenced things that this crush of mine has said or done but decided against it on the off chance they see this drawing. They probably won't, though. This is the last drawing of the month, but it includes my year-long conflicting feelings of sadness, confusion, and obsession, except with my Davesona and alternate John, because I don't draw just myself anymore for some reason.
And that's all, folks! Hope you were blown away by the amount of drawings I did this month compared to last month, lmao. Thank you for reading, dear reader(s).
Dave Strider, in general, has always been relatable to me - a queer teenager, his plight with facing a dysfunctional household, being under strict rule, being outshone by his friends, and seeing them die (ok maybe not that part) has resonated with me. Dave lives with a constant 'cool façade', having to pretend everything's okay, twist his feelings into irony somehow, and never let anybody see his eyes, for some reason. I suppose you could say with Dave refusing anybody to see his irises is that it makes him vulnerable. It's a bright, bold, weird eye color, and that shows just how unique and amazing he is, but he doesn't want to be seen like that. He wants to fit in alongside his friends, despite knowing deep down because of his identity and his eyes, he will always stand out.
Now, with Davesprite, it is almost completely opposite. He wants to stand out - most notably from his Alpha counterpart. Within his entire lifespan thus far, Davesprite is considered inferior, non-human, worthless, among other things, to Alpha Dave, despite the things he did that most would consider him heroic for. Honestly, in comparison, Davesprite IS more heroic than Alpha Dave, or any other Dave frankly.
Davesprite is someone who loves his friends (even if they aren't from the same timeline) but it isn't reciprocated back, and it definitely reverberates back into Davesprite and how he decides to feel about it. He's alienated and even John, his best friend, refers to him as an asshole and a fraud, indirectly. Davesprite is seen as more "crow-like" than "Dave-like", to put it, which even I fall into on a lot of occasions, but that is because the headcanon that Davesprite would make noises and act like a crow is funny and cute. Even that is weird, though, because the crow component is, well, dead, so it would just be Dave through-and-through, after all. In the end, however, if his friends really did value him as just a friend and not an impostor, they wouldn't care if he was a crow or cat or Cthulhu or a cardboard box - it's Dave, their buddy. But that's not how it goes in canon.
Davesprite desperately wants to be liked, but he never receives his wish in full.
I relate a lot to Davesprite, perhaps even more so than Alpha Dave. Ever since I moved to Colorado, I've stuck with one friend group, who I've always been with but never actually fully felt like I belonged in. There is no other version of me, but I feel alienated from myself, somehow. I suppose alienated from my friends, who all have succeeded or succeed currently more than me in various ways. Davesprite split off from his group, yet I have not done the same. Why, I'm not sure. Maybe it's the fear that, if I do split off, I'll never find another group that's as accepting and fun, but all I want is one that is MORE accepting, supportive, and more like me, I guess. But I have to stick with what I have because of that fear, and as time passes I find I do love my friends more genuinely than I ever have.
But Davesprite is bitter, depressed, sensitive, and closed off, which as much as I don't want to become it, I pretty much am almost exactly like that, as well. I think I am the most depressed I have been in years. I am aggressive, bitter, but I try to keep it all closed off and kept away from everybody to not alarm or scare anybody into thinking I'm on the verge of killing myself, which I am not. Not now, or ever.
"I will not be a statistic."
Thank you Davesprite, but also sorry, for serving as the catalyst to understanding myself and the sludge of problems I have to deal with. Your sacrifice will be in vain.
Sorry for a lack of posts, honestly, when starting this blog I thought I would have so much to talk about. I really... don't, truthfully. I think too much and even then I can't put them into coherent sentences. Of course, I love sharing my art and all that, but I don't want it to be just art. This isn't an art blog, it's my personal blog. At least that's what I started it to be.
And yet, I fear. I fear of saying the wrong things, I don't know who reads this blog and who doesn't. I intentionally don't mention it to anybody, it's on my Discord profile just for anybody to find and read if they want, they don't have to and sometimes I don't want them to. You'd think I should just be able to say what I want whenever I want, but I don't. I don't want the people I care about to know that I've broken down over them, for many different various reasons. Same with the people I don't care about. I don't want them reading this shit at all!
I want to say what I want. But I don't want my friendships to break. I don't want potential love to fail again, and again, and again. I could simply just not mention that sort of stuff, but I need to vent somehow. I've kept everything in and as you'd expect it hurts the longer I keep it in my head. So much stuff hurts. So much stuff affects me day-to-day, and I don't ever talk about it. I chat with my friends as if everything's fine and when I do subtly mention something going wrong in my life, it's met with astonishment or just silence.
Honestly, I might change my blog name and pray it doesn't try to redirect back. Because I just want to talk about it all. But I also want people to be able to read my blog, including my friends, but it's so two-sided and conflicting, I always feel all the fucking time as if the stuff I say should've never been said. So I guess it doesn't really matter.
I also know that if I do try to verbalize my problems and issues I will start just, crying right there on the spot. Or be close to crying I guess, become hysterical and crazy-sounding as I usually am. I want to be as truthful as possible but I already feel over-communicative. It's a troubling and confusing life to lead.
Like.. I love this person, they would never love me back. I don't know if I have the right friends, there's definitely better people out there. I hate my mom, I just want to move out and go back to the other city where my friends are. I want to be a better person. I want to work out, I want to eat better. I want to get rid of my speech impediment. But I'm failing it all. I only fail.
...I don't know. Maybe I will change the blog name - if I can - to dissuade my friends and other people from reading my posts. I just want some place to actually talk, not some sort of one-sided blabber session. So, we will see.
Wow, can't believe we're at the end of the month already. It feels like just yesterday I was yearning for the orange and brown leaves and the crippling cold to ease in. Oh well.
Blogspot, let me be real with you. Realistically speaking, this month has been just as milquetoast and empty as the other filler months of this year. But. For some reason, this month, I could physically and mentally feel myself aging. Whenever I think about the fact the next age I'm turning is 20 (8 months left to go) it's a very uneasy but bittersweet feeling that sets in. It also doesn't help that my back and legs hurt a lot more often, the damn fabled thing I've heard from other 19-20 year olds.
But anyways, regarding the only other meaningful thing that counts for anyone else; Whole Foods was the only employer that has gotten back to me, we've been rearranging phone calls and interviews and are still in that stage today. It looks like they're willing to hire me as a cashier, which I'm honestly a little scared about because numbers and money are something I have a hard time with because of my tiny little brain. I was hoping to just be a person who stocks and recalls stuff. But it's whatever. If I can get a job period, I'll be proud of myself, because it is all honestly scary for me.
A seemingly constant theme for me at the beginning of the month was the fact I kept getting lied to. By a few different people, some strangers, some friends. It's strange, thinking you know someone's lying but they never tell you if they are, you just have to figure it out for yourself. When someone wants to spare your feelings even though you only want to hear honesty from that person because you care about them so much. It also sucks to care about someone a lot and they do not reciprocate at all. But, if you've been reading any of my posts, you'll know that is an experience I've dealt with again and again, so it doesn't bother me all that much. It's like a real life tragedy but unfolding in my own life, and I'm both the main actor and single person in the audience.
I finally got new glasses. They arrived on Sept. 8th, two days after the "general stuff" post, and at first they were really weird. They made my right eye vision slanted a little (my right eye is on a different axis than the left) and it took a few days to get used to it, I am thankfully fully used to it now and just glad I can see clear and far again after like 2 years.
For some reason, my body completely reset itself and I have been waking up at 9, 10, or 11 am and going to bed at 11 pm, 12 or 1 am, which is very unlike me but it's just how my life is now. Waking up and going to bed early definitely has its own perks and disadvantages compared to my older schedule of waking up at 2-4 pm and going to bed at 4-6 am, which felt a lot worse physically. But at the same time, waking up early means I don't interact with another human via voice or in-person for at least 6-7 hours. Despite being an introvert, not talking with my friends or at least my mom (IK, ew, sucky, but at least that's another person to talk to) kinda drives me crazy especially when I have things to talk about. Although I can definitely brush that off if it means I feel better mentally and physically.
Continuing on, I introduce:
Monthly favorite song:
Poison Pop - Qbomb
Honorable mentions:
Silicon Soul - j-gems, Bleuctipie - A Verbal Equinox, Eminem Adopts A Dragon - Gynx
This song takes the point of view of someone who captivates or captivated their own fanbase and following. The singer hates one single person, who seems to have become controversial with rumors circulating around them and the singer, that they do not want any part of. It's aggressive, catchy, and passionate. I love it, and it makes me feel less passive and depressed, and more aggressive and emboldened towards the controversial asshole in my life. ALSO, I just realized, after watching the music video and looking over the lyrics, this song is subtly themed around baseball. How funny. Overall, this song is just like viewing my rawest and bloodthirstiest emotions towards that person but through a cleaner and pinker lens, almost all the lyrics match up perfectly with my experiences. It is genuinely awesome. In general, Qbomb is a good listen, definitely recommend this album too.
This month's drawings:
(9/1)
Coincidentally, this vent/angst piece is about the person I was just talking about in the song section, but of course you can also view this from a Johndave perspective (like everything else, haha) as Dave referring to John.
(9/3)
(9/8)
(9/15)
(9/22)
(9/24)
(9/24)
Huge lack of art this month, I apologize. I've been working on a few different WIPs behind the scenes but a lot of days I either forget to work on them or have no motivation. I really do want to draw more, genuinely, but it's just getting harder for some reason.
Thanks for coming for the now second monthly, Blogspot! I appreciate you! In next month's monthly, you might see a lot more gorey and Halloween-y drawings (hopefully!), stay tuned for that. As always, thank you for reading. See you in the next post.
